One thing about watching whilst drunk is that alcohol makes all the events look easy. Triathlon? I could do that. Gymnastics? Piece of cake. As for sailing – well, any idiot can get into a boat and tug a few ropes, can’t they? Best of all, according to the tall Jamaican guy who broke the 100m record yet didn’t break a sweat, all you have to do to train is watch TV and eat chicken nuggets – easy! In fact, I did exactly that a few days ago so I’m virtually match-fit already. Being an Olympic swimmer must be even better than being a runner, because you get to eat 10,000 calories a day. This seems to be to be a perfectly realistic goal and, again, I did something very similar not that long ago. Woo-hoo – I am at least 66% of the way to becoming an Olympian!

The other thing about the Olympics is that there are heaps of sports I had never heard of before. Madison, kirin and yngling are not, apparently, the names of Brad and Angelina’s kids, but types of cycling and some sort of boat thing. It led me to wonder; can anyone just invent a sport and submit a participant or team into the Olympics? One of Nicky’s colleagues said the whole concept would make a great reality TV show – select a slob off the street whose idea of exercise is walking to Londis for a packet of fags, and give them 4 years to train and represent the nation at the 2012 Olympics in an existing or made-up sport. I think I could be that slob. Once my ankle is better, just wait and see – I’ll be there on the podium in 2012, proudly wearing my gold medal for something grand like forward rolls or leapfrog, and possibly also doing air guitar to the national anthem because I don’t know the words.